~dog-like panting~ Nikki: I can’t take this heat anymore! My skin is MELTING! Neil: That’s called perspiration,
and it’s unbefitting of a scientist. Max: This is the worst! It’s way too hot to be standing out here. David: The only thing I’m hot for is
another exciting day of camp. Max: I was wrong. NOW It’s the worst. David: And the reason we’re all waiting out here is because we’ve got super special guests coming to visit! Gwen: Before any of you get too excited it’s just some brand-new campers that
we don’t have room for because David FORGOT we signed up for a Foreign Exchange Program. And we’re totally not half-assing the greeting or anything. David: Well, I’m not going to let something silly like
being unprepared stop us from giving them a proper American welcome! Max: And really, what’s more American than that? Quartermaster: Foreign kids are here. David: Everyone, let’s give a patriotic welcome to Vera from Russia Dang from Thailand and from the “Esteemed and Glorious, Better Than All Others, and Benevolently Blessed By The—” Um, from North Korea, Hwan! Oh, and also Brian. Brian: Hey. Vera: We’re very much excite to be in attendance of the Camp of Cameron Camp-Bell. Hwan: He is legend, even in my superior republic! Dang: Where is he so we can meet him? David: Um, well, he had to go away for a while. Spoilsport: He’s in jail. ~gasps~
Vera: What?! This cause us much distress. Nurf: HELLO. I AM NURF. Brian: Oh. I’m Brian.
He just said my name a second ago. Nurf: NON-ENGLISH NAMES ARE VERY HARD FOR ME TO PRONOUNCE! I’M GOING TO CALL YOU: KIMCHI. Kimchi: What? No, I- Nurf [interrupts]: WHERE ARE YOU FROM, KIMCHI? Kimchi: Kentucky.
I think they mixed up my paperwork, actually. Nurf: Like North Kentucky, the one with the
fat dictator guy? Hwan: The great leader is in impeccable shape! Neil: Yeah, on that note we’re gonna head…somewhere else. David: If that somewhere’s the activities field,
because we’ve got a full day of fun ahead! ~groans~ ~watch beeps~ Vera: Mission Update: Target Campbell is MIA. Dang: Initiating secondary protocol. Hwan: We will extract all valuable assets from that treacherous snake and exact our vengeance for what he denied our homeland! Child Communist Comrades: Together! ♪♪ Ohhhhh ♪♪ ♪ There’s a place I know that’s tucked away ♪ ♪ A place where you and I can stay ♪ ♪ Where we can go to laugh and play ♪ ♪ And have adventures every day ♪ ♪ I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals it’s true ♪ ♪ Camp Campbell is the place for me and you ♪ ♪ We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees ♪ ♪ Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees ♪ ♪ There’s endless possibilities ♪ ♪ And no, that’s not hyperbole ♪ ♪ Our motto’s “Campe Diem”, and that means I’m telling yoooooooou ♪ ♪ We’ve got archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking ♪ ♪ Horseback,
training that’ll save you from a heart attack ♪ ♪ Scuba diving, miming ♪ ♪ Football, limbo, science, stunting ♪ ♪ Pre-Calc, spaceships, treasure hunting ♪ ♪ Bomb defusal, no refusal ♪ ♪ Fantasy, circus trapeze ♪ ♪ And fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes ♪ ♪ And knives, and chess, and dance, and weights ♪ ♪♪ It’s Camp Camp ♪♪ [3 points] [-3 points] David: Great job, Harrison! You sure put some hocus pocus on that one. Harrison: Don’t patronize me. David: Next up, it’s time for our visitors. Give it a try, gang! ~SHARP~ ~strings pulled~ [BULLSEYE x3] [DOUBLE BULLSEYE x3] [BULLSAXE] Nikki: Dang, Dang. Max: Holy shit, these guys have crushed every activity so far. Ered: They’re almost as cool as me. Vera: Ahhh, you are supposed to be
American cosmonaut. How does it feel to have failing space program? [triggered] Space Kid: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?
[Cold War 2: The Coldening begins] David: Alright, everyone! It’s time for our last activity: A scavenger hunt! And to spice it up with a little friendly competition we’re adding a special prize for the winners! It’ll be just like the Olympics. Hwan: A prize? I hope it is something I can bring back to the great leader! Dang: Yes, perhaps a trophy or enriched uranium! Max: I wouldn’t get my hopes up. The reward’s gonna be something stupid like the value of teamwork or some other bullshit that America shoves on you to make you feel good about wasting your life. But here’s a secret! The American Dream is dead. David: The winners get ice cream! Max: What the fuck?! We’ve had ice cream?!
[American Dream’s alive and well] ~swipe~ Nerris: By Orion’s Crease, I’ll devour that sweet treat. ~swipe~ Nikki: Let me at it! AHM-nam-nam-nam-nam-nam! Gwen: We’ve been saving it for a special occasion. The expiration date. David: Which was yesterday. Now I know those exchange kids have dominated literally every other activity but nobody knows this camp better than the three of us! Nikki: Yeah! We’ll be the underdog story of our generation like The Miracle on Ice or Air Bud! David: For the scavenger hunt, we’re going to do things a little bit differently. Let’s split up into teams of four. Go ahead and divide i- Max [interrupts]: I WANNA BE WITH THE EXCHANGE STUDENTS! ~backstab gasps~ ~backstab swipe~ Nikki: Wait, but what about us? We’re kind of a thing. Neil: Yeah, what the hell, Max? This isn’t a front to the natural order. Max: Look, guys. I know you’re disappointed that you probably won’t get to have that ice cream but don’t you think it’s better that at least ONE OF US gets what we want? Thanks for understanding. Naïve Nikki: Hmm, he’s kinda got a point. Neil: No! No, he doesn’t. He’s just being selfish. Well, you know what: Two can play at that game! We’ll get an exchange student, too! Get over here, Brian! Nurf: Uhhm, me and Kimchi are kind of a package deal. I’ve grown quite fond of my international friend in a very short time. Kimchi: My name is Brian. Brian: My name is Brian. Neil: Looks like we’ve got our four all set. We don’t need you after all, Max. Nikki: Yeah! And even if we did,
we’re just going to PRETEND like we don’t in the hopes that you’ll be jealous, and WE won’t feel as sad. Max [unphased]: Mm-hmm. Cool! Nurf: Oh-ho boy, you’re going to LOVE scavenger hunts, Kimchi. Now obviously I’m great at these sort of things but I don’t want to ROB you guys of the experience. So why don’t you all just take this list and let’s go ahead and fiiiiind… “a tree that makes you HAPPY”? Jesus Christ, David. Guys, what are you doing? Vera: We are going to destination of Island of Spookies. Hwan: The last known residence of Cameron Campbell. Dang [muffled]: He will regret crossing us. Max: Uhm, well, nothing on the list is really telling us to go that way. Harrison [off-screen]: Abracadabra! I found the first item on the list! Preston [off-screen]: Good job, Harrison! This tree DOES make me happy! Max: Damn it, we’re already behind! You guys might want to start thinking about— and I realize how fucking ridiculous this sounds coming from MY mouth —working as a team! ~scuffling~ What the hell? I thought you guys wanted to win! Trust me, there’s nothing worth seeing at Spooky Island. I know this whole stupid camp like the back of my hand. Vera [Full Russian]: “Like the back of your hand”,
you say? Please, to see this hand of yours? Max: Uhhh…suuuure. Ow, what the hell! Are you guys, like, spies or something?! Hwan: Vera, what are you doing? Our cover! Dangy McCormick: Mhh mmr-mrr, mhm mrr, mmr-mrr bbr! Vera: It’s okay, comrades. Max is right. We should to start working together with no secrets between us. Now, tell us everything you know of Cameron Camp-Bell or maybe I break you. ~grunts~ Nikki: Oh. My. God! Neil: What, what is it? They’ve already got a secret handshake and it’s really cool. Neil: Are you kidding me? He replaced us that quickly?
So much for being friends. Nurf: Um, guys, a little help with the scavenger hunt over here? You two are making this very stressful
and poor Kimchi’s having a hard enough time as it is with the language barrier. Kimchi: I found THREE OF THE THINGS. Why can’t you understand this?! Nurf: I’m not sure how much more he can take. Neil: I just don’t understand why he would ditch us! After all our adventures, and for ice cream?! Kimchi: What kind of ice cream, though? Neil: Not now, Kimchi! What’s happening now? Nikki: He…~gasp~ he looks so happy. Vera: Keep smiling, Little Max or I gut like fish! Nikki: At least he’s found someone that makes him smile! [my heart] ~SLAM~ ~grunt~ ~blink~ Quartermaster: Y’all keep scheming. I’m on break. ~SHUT~ Don’t get no blood on the floors. Just mopped. ~shut~ Max: Motherfucker. Oof! Hey! Easy! Vera: Show us where to find Campbell’s secrets. This better not be trick. Max: I’m telling you, last time Campbell was living here he was up in the attic or something. If he was hiding anything recently, it’s bound to be up there. ~SNAP~
~fwoosh~ [Communist Column] ~SLAM~ Hwan: You first, Max. Max: Can’t believe these fucking assholes. [mumbles to himself] That’s fine, I’ll do all the work and eatin’ all the fucking ice cream I can get in this… ~SHUT~ Dang: Do not move! Max: What are you guys looking for, anyway?
Why are you even at the shithole camp? Vera: Cameron Camp-Bell made great promises to all of our countries only to make weasel out of jails! Am I using that right? “To make weasel”? Dang: We came for his head. But in his absence, we will take from him all he has left! Fake passports and foreign bank accounts,
enriched uranium in weapons stockpiles! Hwan: And for the great leader, the Elixir of Life! Dang: Yeeaaah, and that. Max: Oh my God, you’re serious. Ha ha ha! You idiots actually think Campbell has any of that shit? He’s a fraud! This whole camp is a scam and there’s no way in hell he has a fucking Elixir of Life. He played all of you the same way he played every single camper here. Hwan: Wait, what? The great leader really wants that elixir! Vera: Laugh all you want, American. But if we find nothing of value then we will burn camp to ground and leave no survivors! Dang: I found something! “Note to self: super secret safe combination, located in mess hall, filled with net worth, do not lose. Dollar sign, dollar sign, dollar sign, dollar sign.” There are a lot of dollar signs. Vera: Oooh! Then we will take that AND THEN burn camp to ground. ~SLAM~ Neil: Well, what have we here? Vera: Ah, this is not what it looks. Nikki: Shut up, Commie! We’re on to you! Neil: And we’re not going to let it happen. Max is our friend, and you can’t have him! Maxy McCormick: Mrr ghhr ggys ghh-ggys hr rrrrh! Hwan: You would dare stand in the way of the Republic’s ascension?! I am NOT going home empty-handed! Child Communist Comrades: Hyuh! Nikki: Oh my God, Neal. It’s even worse than we thought! ~sighs~ Nikki: They’re going to take Max home with him! ~groans~ Neil: The hell they are! Vera: Bear formation! Comrades: Hyah! ~SCREAMS~ ~grunt~
Neil: Ow, I think we- ~grunt~
AA-OOW, totally underestimated these guys! A-OW! ~grunts~ Nurf: Nothing. To do. With all my repressed anger! ~gnaws~ ~THWACK!~
Nikki: Bark! Aack! ~grunt~ [Co-Op Mode] ~miscellaneous grunts and screams~ Nikki: Ah!
Max: Ooh! ~exhaustive groan~ ~MUFFLE WARCRY~ [counter] ~struggles~ David [off-screen]: Hey, kids! Whooo wants ice…cream? ~girl-on-girl growling~ ~trcht~
Max: Uh. They’re spies! They’re gonna kill us and burn our bodies with the rest of the camp after they steal whatever it is inside Campbell’s safe. Neil: Huuhh. That actually makes WAY MORE SENSE than them stealing you as a friend. Southern Accent [off-screen]: HAH! FOOLS! ~swipe~ ~DUN DUN DUN~ Dang: But he…I had the combination. Where’d it go? Nurf: You guys, I think Kimchi just won the scavenger hunt. Brian [Kentucky accent]: Shut up! I have to suffer you morons all day just to get my prize. And now, finally! Kentucky has all the resources it needs, to secede from this Godless country and create a Utopia! Where we can race horses and fry chicken to our hearts’ content! Long live the colonel, assholes! ~CRASH~
~maniacal laugh~ ♪♪ Oh, the sun shines bright ♪♪ ♪ In the ol’ Kentucky home ♪ ♪♪ ‘Tis summer, the people are gay ♪♪ Vera: We… we have failed. Hwan: The great leader will not be pleased and I cannot face the labor camps. Dang: Bottoms up, comrades. Neil [off-screen]: Wait! Will some ice cream make you feel better? Max: Aww, Neil, I think that’s a great i- Oof! [justice] You know what, that’s fair. [Nations Unite for Ice Cream] Guys? You’re gonna let me have some, right? Neil: You know, Nikki, we were so worried about foreigners coming in and ruining what we love that we never even considered that the person from our own country might actually be the biggest problem. Nikki: Huh, I guess you’re right. [Most Political Episode Ever] [Richie Branson – “Another Rap Song About Foreign Cars”]