(Ahh, what a beautiful flower) (up yours, nature) David: Okay, Campers. We’re approaching the big city now! According to a study I read at TerrifiedMothers.org, you are 20 times more likely to die
in the city than anywhere else. So, listen very carefully to everything I say,
and you’ll narrowly avoid getting stabbed, kidnapped or..worse. Campers: [Cheering] Gwen: No, no. Don’t mistake this for some FUN field trip situation. We’re just here because David and I have to meet
with some corporate schmoes, and couldn’t just leave you alone with Quartermaster, because… it’s Quartermaster. Quartermaster: Nobody wants that. David: Let’s go over some ground rules! First things first, try to breathe as little as possible as the air around these forsaken parts IS polluted and poisonous. Space Kid: Roger that! [deeply inhales] [bowl] [DEEP SNIFF] Max: Haah, can you smell that? The sweet, sweet scent of smoke and hot garbage. [sniffs] Nikki: I smell burnt CAT meat. Max: My friends. This whole summer has been leading up to this
EXACT moment! Now you guys will finally see why camp is
NO PLACE to spend your summer. Neil: Holy crap, the signal here is amazing! [beeping]
I’ve never seen a FIFTH bar before! Max: That’s nothing! I’m gonna show you everything this place has to offer ’til you completely forget that shithole we came from. – Nerris: Woo-hoo!
– Space Kid: [Bowl]
– Harrison: [Laughs] David: All right, kids. From now on, don’t touch anything, don’t talk to anyone, and NEVER make eye contact. Senior Passerby: Achoo! David: HERE’SEVERYTHINGIHAVE,
PLEASE DON’T HURT ME! (welcome to the city, Davey) (fuming addict confirmed) Max: On my mark, we sneak out, and blend in the crowd
like we own the place! Is that gonna be a problem? Nikki: This? please. I was the kid who inspired the PROTOTYPE to this baby. David: Tsk tsk. Those poor souls at Camp Corp. Locked away in their cold concrete prison, never experiencing the joys of the outdoors. I hope they won’t be too jealous meeting us. [inhaling rich cigar] Pompous Yuppie: Ew, is that homeless twink
STARING at me? Gwen: Come on! Meeting starts in fifteen, and I’m gonna need to nervous poop before. David: Okay. Buddy system! Does everyone have their buddy? Nerris: Uhm, David? All my buddies are gone. [swipe] Quartermaster: This isn’t the same kid?
(Nikki always wears a fish bowl, yo) [familiar sigh] David: Were Nerris’s buddies Max, Neil and- Gwen [interrupts]: Yep. I go to the meeting, you split up and look for the brats? David: Yep. Gwen [sarcasm]: This is EXACTLY how i imagined
my 20’s going. Quartermaster: I’ll be at the Lookout. David: Follow my lead, kids. If we’re lucky, at least one of them is still alive. [struggling] [EXHALES] ♪♪ Ohhhhh ♪♪ ♪ There’s a place I know that’s tucked away ♪ ♪ A place where you and I can stay ♪ ♪ Where we can go to laugh and play ♪ ♪ And have adventures every day ♪ ♪ I know it sounds hard to believe,
but guys and gals it’s true ♪ ♪ Camp Campbell is the place for me and you ♪ ♪ We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees ♪ ♪ Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees ♪ ♪ There’s endless possibilities ♪ ♪ And no, that’s not hyperbole ♪ ♪ Our motto’s “Campe Diem”, and that means I’m telling yoooooooou ♪ ♪ We’ve got ♪ ♪ Archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking ♪ ♪ Horseback,
training that’ll save you from a heart attack ♪ ♪ Scuba diving, miming ♪ ♪ Football, limbo, science, stunting ♪ ♪ Pre-Calc, spaceships, treasure hunting ♪ ♪ Bomb defusal, no refusal ♪ ♪ Fantasy, circus trapeze ♪ ♪ And fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes ♪ ♪ And knives, and chess, and dance, and weights ♪ ♪♪ It’s Camp Camp ♪♪ [stock city cacophony] Nikki: So now that we’re outlaws in the big city, should we join a gang?
(the streets claimed Nikki) Neil: I heard the Natural History Museum
has a new exhibition called: “Clouds – The Silent Killer!” Max: Pass and pass. We’re starting here. This is where the best food in the WORLD comes from! The back of a greasy truck. Nikki: FOOOOOOOOOOD!
(nevermind, food trucks claimed Nikki) See you in three hours! [ZIP] Max: Suckers. Everyone knows you picked the truck that has
the SHORTEST line. (claimed) Mrmm! (CLAIMED) Err, Son of a- Nikki: Ssssweet! Free samples! Phsss-heh! Watch how a pro does it. [NOMS] [stuffed] So, where’s the main course? Sales Lady: We’re a tapas food truck. You just ate 30 main courses. That’ll be $200. (what’s the proper Nikki response?) [regurgitates] Neil: Ooh. What are you serving? Modern Amish Hipster:
South Pacific Pakistani Mixi Doughnut Fusion. You sure you can handle this? Neil: Please. Our typical lunch is rejected prison food. My stomach..is clinically dead. So do you take Neilbux? Modern Amish Hipster: Sorry, kid. We only take Millbux. It’s all the rage in the cryptocurrency world. She’s gonna be rich! Neil: Gaaaawd Dammit! Max: This is fine. The longer the line, the better the food. Woman: Hey, you guys made it. Save your spot for you. Now you don’t have to wait all the way in the
BACK of the line like some LOSERS. Man: Yeah! Thanks. The triplets are with us too. Come on, kids! Triples [off-screen]: Woo-hoo!
(claaaaa-iii-med) Max: MRRRRHH! [munches] Neil: Wait! Does this have sauerkraut? Modern Amish Hipster: Oh yeah. We fused some German in there. Showed there’s no hard feelings. [Panting]
(clinically dead, eh?) Clerk [off-screen]: Last two Chocolate Sundae
Banana Split Mountain Dreams left for today. Max: Here we go. Woman: I’ll have two, please.
(♪ claaaa-ay, ay-ay, aim’dah ♪) Max: WHAT!? [Zip] Dine-and-Dasher: We gotta go!
(food trucks were too tough for Nikki) Neil: [wheezing] Nerris [off-screen]: Whoa! [swipe] Where are they going? David: Nowhere! Probably some drug convention.
(robbed Nerris of her own party) Magician: Find the silver ball, and get an authentic Dolex watch. Harrison: Heh, what an amateur. He doesn’t even have a ball. David: Harrison! Dolph: David, look! Zat bald man is handing out flyers with a picture of me! David: Let’s go this way.
(future averted) Reskinned Camp Counselor as a Signer: Hello, sir. Would you like to help “Save the Kids”? David: I’M TRYING! Trenchcoat: Hey. Wanna have a good time? Preston: Sure! David loves having a good time. David: [nervous chuckle] No, thanks. Trenchcoat: You sure?
(phew) Kids get in FREE to the museum in today! There’s hot air balloon rides in the park. All kinds of fun activities for all ages. David: Oh, thank you. Nurf: We’re actually looking for
some of our missing friends. About yay high, real nerdy. Trenchcoat: Hmm, if I want to start somewhere,
I go with Downtown. That’s where I got lost as a kid. Good look. [sighs] Never did find my parents. Neil: It’s a good thing we found that
EpiPen on the ground. I think i can feel my heart beating again. Max: Okay, that was a beginner’s mistake. Never go for the obvious touristy stuff. The REAL fun is off the beaten path. Keep your eyes peeled. Neil: Really? This place smells like
Quartermaster’s cabin and wet trash! Max: It’s an acquired taste. Nikki: Ooh, what’s over there? Max: Of course! Perfect! All great cities have some stupid
big-budget movie filming. We HAVE to check it out. “Pizza Delivery Guy”: Hey, there~ I’ve got a delivery for a.. Anita Johnson? “Anita Johnson” (aka Reskinned Waitress):
Wow, a square pizza~ Director: Cut! Brilliant, Stacy. The subtlety of your performance truly emphasizes the emotional TENSION of the scene. Let’s try it again. This time I’m thinking, MORE cleavage. Neil: Max… what kind of movie is this? Max: Hey, what are you filming here? Crime drama? Horror comedy? Some sort of stupid YouTube prank? Director:
“Pizza Sluts 2: Meat Lovers”. Max: Oh my god! Nikki: The tension is killing me! Is he gonna deliver the pizza or not?! Neil: Max! Let’s get out of here! Max: Okay, it’s fine! That guy over there doesn’t have vomit stains
all over his shirt. Let’s ask HIM where to go. Hey, man. What’s cool around this area? Mr. Wall Street: Well, I’m a pretty upper-class,
underworked and overpaid salesman. So when I need to CUT LOOSE, I always LOVE going [swipe] to Needle Alley. – Neil/Nikki: [GASP]
– Max: What?! Mr. Wall Street: Oh, yeah. It’s off the beaten path. Away from family and acquaintances, and the homeless people will let you do ANYTHING to them for the right price. Dirty Kevin: There you are! Are we doing this illegal drug deal or what? The homeless people are getting rowdy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you three? I’m not working with kids again.
[♪ Las Diablitas theme ♪] David: Thanks again for the ride. Falsetto Driver: Anytime! Don’t forget about the free candy that i promise for ya! Campers: Yay! David: Nikki, Max! Are you in this horrible alley? Scream once, if you’re being murdered. Mugger: Alright, hand it over! David: Oh my gosh! Mugger: I mean it, pal. I’ll cut you a new one! David: A new what?! Nurf [off-screen]: Whoa! Full-size candy bars? That guy wasn’t messing around. Harrison: David, You gotta see this! Mugger: Oh, are all these kids with you? Oh man, it’s hard out there
for a single parent, isn’t it? David: I-I-I-.. Mugger with Morals: Oh here, please. You need this more than i do, this city is
DANGEROUS. [chuckles] But be careful, it’s incredibly sharp. Mugged a LOT of people with this knife. And now you will, too. David: Oh. My fingerprints are on this now. Nerris: Wow! David got the Sword of Truth! Bonus dexterity by 63 points! Mugger with Morals: Always listen to your dad, kids! Ered: Thanks, duuude. (totally not the Space Needle) Max: Okay, the streets might have been a little
TOO intense for you newbies to appreciate. This is where we SHOULD have started. From up here, you can see everything
the city has to offer. Just check out that sweet skyline. Neil: It doesn’t look that great. [swipe]
Is that the drug dealer we saw before? (three-hit combo) Max: Ugh! Well, it’s a revolving restaurant. We’ll get to a good view in a minute, you’ll see. Nikki: I’ve got ALL the view i need RIGHT HERE!
(the buffet claimed Nikki) See you in three hours! [ZIP] Nurf: Hey, they’re shooting a movie down there. David: Can you see Max, Nikki or Neil? Nurf: Whoa-hoh, a score pizza. David: [sigh] Maybe they’re behind that
beautiful building. Or by that gorgeous bridge over there. Or next to the… Huh… It’s..actually kind of nice up here.
(one man’s paradise…) Max: It’s HORRIBLE up here!
(…is another man’s hell) Can this thing move any FASTER!? Neil: Well, the engines of a structure like this have to run
on less than one horsepower. Or else you risk the thin steel platform disconnecting from th- Max [interrupts]: HOW OFTEN DO PEOPLE THANK YOU
FOR USELESS INFORMATION, NEIL? What’s that? NEVER?! [angry pomf] [engine running] Fucking finally! Any moment now. Anyyyyyyy– GAAH! Hey! Down in front, asshole! David: MAX!? Dine-and-Dasher: We gotta go!
(the buffet was too tough for Nikki) David: You know, kids, this experience has
taught me a lot. No matter what happens, everything always
turns out well in the end. Always trust strangers,
say yes to walking in unmarked vans, and never fear knife-wielding muggers!
(worst dad ever) Harrison: I can’t wait to tell my parents! Nikki: This park is totally cool, Max. I see why you like this city so much. Max (playing it Ered): Yeah, I told you the city’s cool. I totally saved the best part for last! Neil: The architecture here is impressive. And there are hardly any people around to
disturb me with their existence. Max: Yes! Yes. This is the nicest thing we did today by far. David: This place kind of reminds me of Camp Campbell! Max: Shit.
(congratulations, you played yourself) Nurf: This is fun, but… I kinda miss camp. Preston: Our Shakespeare in the Park productions
are superior by far. Ered: Yeaaah, I’m ready to head back too. [defeated sigh] Max: Yeah, fuck it, me too. Let’s head back to the camp. David: Gwen, how did the meeting go? Gwen: Well, we don’t need to worry about
budgets anymore. David: Oh, that’s great! Gwen: Because we’ve sold the camp. Campers: WHAT!? Quartermaster: What’d I miss?
(rip Space Kid) [Richie Branson – “Survival of the Fittest”]