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Mon Horrible Expérience de Camping

Mon Horrible Expérience de Camping


I have always loved camping Or should I say : I have always had the FANTASM of camping When writing this video, I learned that “Fantasy” doesn’t mean the same thing as “Phantasm” which is some sort of… Unconscious fantasy… That’s it. Like if you learned something… When I say “camping”, I’m talking about *wild* camping Because if you don’t count the tents installed in your friends’ garden, and the hut I had in my room, (I know it’s awesome) well… I actually have never experienced it. UNTIL THAT GRUESOME DAY THAT WAS THE 5th OF MAY 2017 *Burp* Well… last month. With friends (that I will name with pseudonyms), we decided to go camping in a forest… …in a mountain ! The whole “Man vs Wild” TV show was replaying before my eyes. I LOVE “Man vs Wild”. I was more motivated than.. ..t-than a dog which, err.. Ghanw… :c In our group, there was.. First off, me, Adam (the guy who chose the day and the place to go camping), Eve… …they were dating… …at that time… …well, last month… Jojo, Lolo, Totor, aaaaaand Flo was… or wasn’t supposed to be with us. Let me explain : This girl… is the most indecisive person in the world. I informed her 2 weeks in advance about the camping She said she was OK. The day before, she cancels. The D-day she wants to come but she hesitates. And then she said she wants to go but the day after, when we were about to leave. In the end, she didn’t show up and we took 2 cars In one of them, Lolo, Jojo and I, who were supposed to leave at 2 PM In the other car, Adam, Eve and Totor who were supposed to leave at 5 PM And meet us. Well, that’s what was planned. So, we left at 6 PM and them at 9 PM. Don’t ask me why nor how, even today, it still is a mystery. Anyways, almost the whole ride was peaceful, The landscape was beautiful, Everything was peaceful, TOO peaceful? While we were searching for a spot where we could park the car, we went on a very small road And then… *rho rho wtf lol wutz happenin’ ?* Ψ(`◇´)Ψ An enormous dog starts to jump on my window, barking like a madman A madman imitating a dog…? ANYWAYS Lolo speed up, a second dog appears and tries to do the same thing as the other one, we dodge it, we keep driving, And we end up shaking them off. When all of a sudden… A “Bambi” appears ! Yes I call this a “Bambi”, I’ve always called these animals like this and I actually don’t know what it is. A buck ? A peacock ? (/! that’s a pun with the word fawn that sound the same) A goat…? Bambi starts hopping and passes in front of us. It was clearly one of the most GRACEFUL things I’ve ever seen in my life ! The type of things that makes you forget some memories… …those that are the traumatic of your childhood… Anyway, this road did not lead to anything, so we turned back to meet some other Bambis, and some… cows…? F*CKING COWS ! There were a dozen of them ! They were blocking the road ! We were forced to wait on the side and stop the car to let them continue their walk since they were coming our way. Well, they weren’t alone, but followed by a shepherd, his two dogs and… a cat ? Don’t ask me why this cat was following them : I don’t know At around 9 PM, we decided to park to wait for the others to come Because Adam knows the place And that was at this moment we understood that they just started to go on the way FOR A 2 HOURS DRIVE !! Well… “…can we open the beers ?” When we FINALLY gathered up together We went in the forest and walked until we found a nice place to camp It wasn’t that easy because we had only two torch lamps for six people We did it though. Then we had to set the campfire Well, for all my life, BBQ always taught me one thing : I am not a professional at setting any type of fire So I searched for some stones to make that kind of “ring” around the…uh… campfire Well, believe it or not : It was a real PAIN IN THE ASS This forest does not have any stone ! I mean, that blew my mind ! I don’t know if it only applies to all forests, but, I thought that stones were the easiest things to find Though, we had to dig them out with our own hands, and oh there were rare There was not a single one on the ground The pros made the campfire in the end though At that moment : no battery anymore
Don’t know what it was We were all starving, … apart from Totor who is vegetarian and prepared some dishes that didn’t needed to be cooked Then of course, he did not wait for us to start eating… D: …just in front of us. é_è Envy possessed us… *o* But we took out the things to make skewers and sat around the campfire HAHA Classical mistake We sat down BEFORE that the fire was large enough to know in which direction would go the smoke And guess who ended up with it burning their eyes the whole evening? I’M GIVING YOU A SUPER SMALL CLUE *cough cough* MY EYEEEEEES !!! Cooking stuff into the fire is cool ! But if having your food falling from your skewer is a reasonable fear for most people, then it wasn’t Adam’s case. This guy found THE ultimate technique to fix the problem !
(“The summer camps monitors hate him !”) He was putting his skewers DIRECTLY onto the fire ON the ashes “Are you… really gonna eat that … ?” ” AY-YAAAA ! ” “You DO see that it’s covered in ashes, right? ” *munch munch* It is now time to set up the tents ! We had 4 for 6 persons, so we were going to divide like that : Can we go on, now ? Thanks to the campfire, we could see a bit clearly, but well, Eve was the only one that was used to setting up tents We tried to do the same as her but, uh …. She ended up setting all the tents by herself, poor her ! Well, except for Totor’s, since it unfolds by itself ! This guy really thought about everything On the contrary of Adam who did “great”, forgetting… The duvet ! Like, everyone brought their sleeping bags, and THEY Choose to take a duvet ! And they forgot it… “-So, what are you going to sleep in…?
-Uhhh, well, our clothes…?” The night must have been a ordeal for them ! Sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing, especially knowing what happens to me next. In the tent, I ask Lolo why he brought his stinky shoes INSIDE And he answers me : “Eh, we never know.” “Does he think that a wild boar attracted by the smell is going to steal his shoes tonight? Hahaha, what a dumbass ! ” And on this wise thought, I fell asleep, leaving my shoes breathe outside the tent. What a dumb aSS I AM. It started to rain out of nowhere ! The worst is that it woke me up but I was too tired to make the connection between the rain falling and my shoes outside ! I was just glad, noticing that the tent was perfectly waterproof And I like the sound of the rain, so I fell back asleep quickly. *Demonically gasping* That was my face the following day, when I found my shoes entirely soaked. Well, Totor did the same mistake so I felt less alone . And that proved that he really is human. He light the fire and we put our shoes next to it to dry them out. We were RI-DI-CULOUS. It was super cold, the ground was mud And there was us that, forced to stay bare-foot , had our own techniques not to have our feet dirtied ! I was like in Koh-Lanta, balancing on a bush next to the fire, And he was worst, being like a discount Aladdin on his mat With what he moved forward, maintaining it with his hands and leaping with an unnameable disgrace… While drying, a piece of his sole started burning Outright, I laughed at him panicking to set it out But that was before realizing tHAT MINE HAD TOTALLY MELTED WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE. Damn, to be “dry”, it WAS. It was splitting open ! I’ve got a photo for you to see it clearly ! Wait, did I tell you that I bought them the day right before? I even have way better ! I just remember that I kept them. Here’s the much-vaunted shoe ! Let’s appreciate. It still has the smell ! The less profitable 30 euros of my life ! (33.58$) So we had the choice : to cry or to put things into perspective. “Okay, guys. This camping was hardly restful We had a hard time-
No, not us, we’ve been doing great ! SHUT UP. Let’s see the bright side of it, we saw wild animals uh, well, maybe not you guys, but … (And except the Bambis, they were not wild) but we saw pretty landscapes ! And we just fucking spent the night in a damn forest, and just for that, I- *sound of a car gently passing by* When feeling our way along the forest, we didn’t even realized that we completely crossed a part of the forest. And that we took a place… right Next to the road… Camping is shit. Speech

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