Jesus fucking Christ, Joe! What are you doing in my house? You wanna play a zombie game? A zombie game, god dammit! Okay, I’ll play your stupid zombie games this year to stop torturing me Come on. Let’s go. Joe? Get out from over there and let’s go! Come out from over there! Joe, let’s go! Okay… Come on! Boring… Oh so God dang boring and frustrating beyond frustrating. I lift my “no zombie game” policy for the future and this is the first game that greets me, I’m seriously reconsidering my decision Oooooooooohhhhh… Metal Gear survive starts when all the characters that you know and love are riding away Like speeding their asses out of here, so they don’t have to participate in this game, and they know it, too They are leaving your ass behind to deal with it Okay, maybe this one’s normal. Uh… Snake didn’t notice the ****ing Interdimensional fucking portal behind them? As I took off. No **** that **** This is how we’re gonna do this? We’re gonna turn around and there’s an interdimensional…. Meanwhile… Oh no he does notice it, or no he doesn’t because he’s just flying in that direction. So the story is right after the mother base from Metal Gear Phantom Pain gets destroyed and the portal opens up to another dimension… Then zombies. That’s it. Who’s responsible? No one, unless you count this cardboard box. This fucker is the cause of the whole game? i cant hold yoooou Grab onto the fuck– ok. Ouch. A cardboard BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX Out of everything, a cardboard box. Oh my god is this game serious? Are we doing a parody here are we doing a fucking parody here? Knocking you into this shit experience! **** you box! **** you. No friend of mine. No, you know what it’s not the boxes fault. Okay? The actual cause is Konami and their ineptitude on not knowing what to do With one of their last good licenses that they had this time. You knew one gerbil to cook it you ate all your gerbils raw Well, I’m sorry okay So basically they just took Metal Gear Solid ripped all the cool story and characters out of it left just the shell of the game and then added eating gerbils and Zombies, I’m not joking that’s what they did yes. We just went over some basics It’s literally cashing in on two tired genres that are already losing their luster And they’re passe the survival genre, which more people are moving to battle royale and zombie games of all things It’s like Konami’s remaining creative directors think that this is what’s gonna lend itself well to the next Metal Gear game after Kojima’s exit Whaaat? Dickhead zombiiies! They’re like little dog penises Dog penis zombies. Red rockets gross. Red rocket zombies. But people know what I’m talking about if I say red rocket zombies they would I think we’re gonna recall him Red Rocket zombies It’s the asshole box! That’s the motherfucking box! It was you It was you box. It was you What Konami has done to this franchise it is downright criminal it’s scumy feelin Hey you Yeah, yeah, you are are you enjoying your Metal Gear Survive experience? not really What’s there to do? well survive Was this made by Kojima oh um no Yeah, no no don’t worry um what if we enhance your experience with a free shirt? What What did you do? You like it right? No. I don’t really need it. I don’t want it. Okay. Well what about two free shirts? That’s a little excessive, I don’t need these many shirts and a hoodie! What the– it’s fucking hot, I don’t need all this stuff I got two shirts and a hoodie? oh my god… But, look, look at the back! Ye ye yeaah! Branded. Metal Gear Survive. Get it? It’s Metal Gear gear! I don’t need it Oh, tell you what you do need! you need the official Metal Gear Survive Backpack! No, please I don’t I don’t need this. What the What is this? How are you doing this? That’s not even my name! You like it, right? It’s Metal Gear Gear! Like us pleaaase! Metal geaaaaaaaaaaaar Surviiiiiiiiiiiiiive! surviiiiiive It’s too much, I can’t take it, it’s it’s fucking hot kill me Fucking kill me oh thank god *pop* Metal Gear Survive hates you and everything you stand for. it takes the excellent Fox engine and just tacks on Multiple shitty mechanics on top of it to worsen the experience. How do you fuck that up? HOW? How do you take a good engine and a good open-world simulator and make it awful? Well you start by forcing people to find food, water, and OXYGEN! For Christ’s sake oxygen? Okay when you’re in the dust there is yes, you could exit the area And then you get your oxygen back, but I’m sick and tired of looking for food and water. Does this sound fun? It’s not okay especially when your stupid-ass main character can’t figure out how to boil ****ing water until he finds a Specific pot there’s a specific pot that you only get for the frickin base And you can’t clean your water until then despite there being a thousand things in the base that he could use instead! oh… so thirsty Joe Joe give me some water What the hell is this Joe dirty dirty water I’m about to die. Okay. I gotta drink it It’s so bad what are you making me drink this? You don’t have to drink the dirty water. What do you mean? There’s a pan right next to you. Filter it. joe what are you stupid? That’s not a pot It’s a pan It’s not a hanging pot you can’t filter water with a pan you idiot *pain sounds* *gross* You also go around collecting kuban energy for some reason. The hell is that? Cluster of kuban crystals. Kuban energy the fuck zoom in *Cuban energy dance* You looking for the Cuban energy? hahaa izz right here! Look no further! *various spanish phrases* Come on, we party! Come on! Right here! Yeah! Party! Yeah, ha! Oh, my mistake that’s KOO-BAN energy. Well fuck I thought at least there’d be some fun in this game somewhere on a Minuscule microscopic level. NO! Well, except for punching animals to take out your frustration. That’s pretty fun. I was trying to creep up on and be all stealth like Apparently that’s not the way you play this game. And you do get to build a base… Only it has a terrible construction menu. It sucks balls So if the gameplay is dull, repetitive, and boring *supreme yawn* How is the story? Somehow even worse! That’s a little bit. Is it me or is the framerate really fucking bad on… *chuckle* This is the most boring way to present your story. What the fuck am I looking at I’m getting distracted by the guy. This is this is the worst did they like run out of money suddenly? I think the guy who does the cutscenes was off this day, and they just didn’t bother to go backwards Tedious as all hell! Every task in this game is designed to make your brain fall out of your head through your ears out of Boredom my point is these incidents don’t make sense Heh, he just stopped. That’s how I feel. Like, this voice actor’s like… Oh, you guys are gonna have to pay me more for this topic Did you hear the way trailed out there? That was great? He’s like Okay, I can’t do this Alright alright five more grand okay And then after that when the game opens up there’s nothing but huge open empty areas that are filled with dirt and An empty game play and dust this this damn dust stuff this fog shit It makes the already asinine gameplay even worse as waypoints disappear And the levels are just so generic looking that you’re often gonna get lost easily within them I have more stamina than this guy. There’s no fucking stamina so you’re constantly Like billow bitches you’re fucking running everywhere oh My god shut up You need steam. I’m tired of this fucking lady saying the same shit over… You’re approaching the generator In combat it’s not much better you you put fences down you poke zombies That’s it you’re put fences you poke zombies, okay? Put up a stupid fence there, put up a damn wall there, a freakin net! I guess that some people’s ideal of fun But it’s not mine. Oh my God look at the size of that thing iss uuuuuge huge Nobody’s ever seen it. North Korea? Nobody. Look at the size of that thing. Oh my god. I deserve a medal for that. Oh, Donald who are you trying to keep out? Those zombies. They’re gonna bring nothing but trouble those are criminal zombies Okay, I’m gonna protect every one of you Okay, check your facts. Fox News said those zombies nuthin drug dealers, okay? Check this out let’s make it higher, I’m gonna get a medal for this. donaald uh, donald, sir Keeps getting higher and higher Can’t those zombies go around the fence… or maybe over the fence? What’s that? over the fence or around What’s that? Get him out of here. Get him out of here. Get this guy out of here *sounds of a man getting taken away* Back to work. Check this out. Um, consider listening to this Captain there is something I have to tell you Memory they are successfully restored new equipment can be developed The wormhole collector *bot being annoying* I need to tell you something… Go ahead. captaaaain Yeah Why do you want to tell me? hi. God damn it robot Now imagine listening to that awful boring emotionless monotone voice in your ear for 40 hours *monotony* It’s not that the game is difficult or hard, no, it’s just… It’s ridiculously easy honestly. Yeah, no. It’s it’s fucked up. There’s no very hard difficulty. They’re saving it and adding it later this week. No, there’s supposed to be a very hard that’s actually supposed to be challenging. This is like a complete joke *rambo* oh whoo yeah, you’ll feel oh I did all that myself zero effort No, they’re going for the digger! The AI is so brain-dead that they just really don’t know how to go the fuck around Go around They’ll never know. Won’t go around. Don’t follow this guy. Smart alek. But I guess that’s all intentional and It just leads to hilarious gameplay and worst of all the game was billed to us as this this Multiplayer you know experience Maybe then I could get some fun out of forcing Other Joe to go through it with me and when you do that I could see those moments of tension when you’re when you’re building fences and then those zombies that can actually go around and Climb them get on and then you’re screaming at your partner’s, but that’s not that’s not here. It’s like the game is 90% single-player It’s not cooperative throughout the main campaign It is designed for the boring single-player world with Boring characters with subpar gameplay using a superior engine that it screws up to do the same thing over and over The multiplayer mode they do have is freaking tacked on the beta that was it That was the full mode. It’s a horde mode to enjoy once or twice and then just move on ugggggggggggggggggggghhh Oh my god, are we able to play the game now. Thank God. Every time… every single thing this game has is designed around wasting your time This is what I feel like. You want to loot an animal? 12 seconds. You want to fucking loot a container? 15 seconds. You want to fucking connect to play multiplayer? Mandatory 5 minute wait time. Can you skip it? No. Oh wait, you finally connected mandatory 3 minute wait time ugh Does all this amount to something by the end? NO, IT DOESN’T! You don’t even get out of this stupid parallel dimension. You’re stuck in and then the Lord of dust is the final boss. More like Lord of Dookie! Yes, can you craft more compelling gameplay? I am done. To make matters worse.. I’m done with it. I’m done with zombie games. I don’t want to do another You buy it!?! A FUCKING SAVE SLOT JOE!? Is that what I’m seeing here? Are you buying a ****ing save slot? Are we doing this now, Konami? Are we doing this for real? Like you can only play this game with one character and one save slot Unless you pay us. $10 what is this that what is this a dollar for purchases a hundred SV coins? What is 1000 SV coins? I can’t even buy the ****ing amount! I have to buy 1150 SV coins! You better not. You better not. Oh, my god, did I just buy that shit? OH MY GOOOOOD TEN ****ING DOLLARS for another fucking save slot? Can I have a dollar? No, no they go… 10 dollars…. Yeah screw this I am done. The final verdict for Metal Gear Survive is a TWO. A TWO out of ten and it earns my epic fail seal for being a ****ing chore to play and bait and switching us. It would have been maybe a Three for some fun tension-filled bits on the base defense parts, which is kind of always fun No matter what game it is, but it drops to a two for the insulting business practices this company has been pulling I’m sorry. I’m sorry That’s the truth and please Just please don’t tell me that this is the Metal Gear franchise now. That Metal Gear Solid is dead. It’s dead as a doorknob rotting in its grave That would suck But it just seems like Konami is just creatively bankrupt at the moment and the future doesn’t really look bright You might be able to have some fun with this game. If your standards are really low There’s no doubt about that, but but you really need to raise your standards Someone help us and the next zombie game. I review better not be this bad Until then I’ll see you guys on the next Angry Joe Show Pachinko machine! Shit, I think I’d rather have played a pachinko machine this whole fucking time at least maybe I would have made some money out of it! Fuck! Jesus fucking Christ Joe whatareyoudoing in my house Joe, what did you put in this? You said to make it look dirty. You actually gave me piss. Did you piss in this bottle? I didn’t think you were going to drink it. I hate you. I don’t know what you put in there spices and herbs and shit It went into it that much and when I breathed it to it went into my name with little pleasure Donald, donaaaald? How great is your wall? Oh? It’s huge. It’s gonna be the biggest thing I deserve a medal I deserve a medal. Did you also know? I’m the richest man Is that true? maybe I don’t know I looked it up on Wikipedia Take a good look at that huge, okay? Nobody’s ever seen a wall like this. Not North Korea. Not China. Nobody. I deserve a medal for this. I build this all by myself american-made ok american-made I’m gonna keep out those zombies ok cuz those zombies are Immigrants and criminals, we’re trying to keep those guys out of here ok, watch this.